Wednesday, February 20, 2013

It feels like yesterday was Christmas Day, but two months have passed... I can't believe it. Three months since I've started feeling bad. Three months of worries and paranoia, which have consistently increased in the last weeks. If someone told me that I would have gone through all this, I wouldn't have believed him. I can't tell anymore how I felt before this... I lost my old feelings, feelings that were sometimes good and sometimes bad- I recently started investigating in my past, realizing that some events in my past have influenced my way of acting and reacting to events- and now I feel insecure, confused. Everyone tells me that I have to overcome this ("bisogna dargli il la") but it's not easy as it seems... But sometimes I forget everything, it lasts a little but it's sweet, today for example- I spent a nice afternoon with a friend and it felt like before. I wish I could just go back to my old normal life but there's something that paralyzes me, I'm trying to overcome my fear and it's slightly better now but the fear of falling is round the corner. I wish I could go to Venice, go to class, see my classmates, and everything I've always done but I don't feel strong. I suppose next week I will make an effort but it's going to be very very hard and I'm going to call my friends all the time, and I know it's ridicolous and no one out there is going to understand me, but I feel like I'm living another person's life and I don't know who I am anymore.. Yesterday I was reading an old book, a book I probably purchased six years ago, and I felt better- I felt the quietness that belonged to those times, in which the bad thoughts that now pervade my mind weren't present. It's like you think something once, and then you're trapped. I wish my mind wasn't so weak, I wish I was stronger, sometimes I wish I had someone next to me and I pity myself for never feeling to deserve something that other people have. It's so complicated.

No comments:

Post a Comment