It feels like yesterday was Christmas Day, but two months have passed... I can't believe it. Three months since I've started feeling bad. Three months of worries and paranoia, which have consistently increased in the last weeks. If someone told me that I would have gone through all this, I wouldn't have believed him. I can't tell anymore how I felt before this... I lost my old feelings, feelings that were sometimes good and sometimes bad- I recently started investigating in my past, realizing that some events in my past have influenced my way of acting and reacting to events- and now I feel insecure, confused. Everyone tells me that I have to overcome this ("bisogna dargli il la") but it's not easy as it seems... But sometimes I forget everything, it lasts a little but it's sweet, today for example- I spent a nice afternoon with a friend and it felt like before. I wish I could just go back to my old normal life but there's something that paralyzes me, I'm trying to overcome my fear and it's slightly better now but the fear of falling is round the corner. I wish I could go to Venice, go to class, see my classmates, and everything I've always done but I don't feel strong. I suppose next week I will make an effort but it's going to be very very hard and I'm going to call my friends all the time, and I know it's ridicolous and no one out there is going to understand me, but I feel like I'm living another person's life and I don't know who I am anymore.. Yesterday I was reading an old book, a book I probably purchased six years ago, and I felt better- I felt the quietness that belonged to those times, in which the bad thoughts that now pervade my mind weren't present. It's like you think something once, and then you're trapped. I wish my mind wasn't so weak, I wish I was stronger, sometimes I wish I had someone next to me and I pity myself for never feeling to deserve something that other people have. It's so complicated.

E così, è il primo dell'anno e io sono a casa da sola. Non so se la notizia mi susciti più rabbia o sollievo: mi assale un senso di solitudine, ma se ci penso bene una giornata con i miei che vagano per casa annoiati insistendo a farmi provare il nuovo aggeggio tecnologico di turno... non la definirei esattamente esaltante. Così sono sola, assonnata, assetata, affamata. Sola sola sola sola sola sola sola sola sola sola sola sola sola.

Pensiero ricorrente. Però sono contenta di aver detto una cosa a delle persone: vi voglio bene. Sfuggito tra un'idiozia e l'altra, non solenne, ma quasi casuale... Però sentito! Vi voglio bene, voglio bene ad altre persone e ognuna ha le sue peculiarità che apprezzo, amo, a volte adoro. Però con voi due sento che ci capiamo (anche se dico il contrario). Vi voglio bene e spero davvero che il futuro vi riservi belle sorprese perchè dio se ve le meritate! Ve le meritate eccome, siete persone fantastiche.

Adesso potrei andare a cucinare qualcosa. Per me. Poi penso cercherò di guardare un film, magari mi addormenterò a metà ma ci proverò... Le allodole sul filo anyone?

Buon 2013.
Camilla

Veselé Vánoce!

A little late but... Merry Christmas to all! I wasn't feeling very festive this year, but still, I can't deny the charm of Christmas. Not the day itself, which is mostly spent filling our tummies till we explode and chatting with relatives we had forgotten to have. No, this is not what I call "Christmas magic". But the whole family reunited, the candy, spending quality time with people you love, being reminded of how lucky you are to be surrounded by such wonderful people... I don't understand the reason behind the hatred towards Christmas. A lot of people I know only complain about it and say it's just an excuse to be hypocrite and fake, but I don't agree- even though I don't attach to it a religious meaning, I think it's cool that, around the world, people take one day to gather and just be merry. Still, I can't help thinking about the people who can't do all this; recently, I happened to think about the matter several times. Isn't to help each other the only way to make our lives meaningful? Most of the times, happiness is about giving, helping, taking care. You are happy because you love, and love is definitely about giving, wether it's to a partner or to a relative or a friend. We are happy because we feel useful, powerful: we have a reason to work on ourselves- we want to donate the best of us to our loved ones. We want to protect them. A job can be a source of happiness, but it's rarely durable if it's just personal gratification... But how great is to realize that we accomplished something that will help other people? Wether we are talking about a new vaccine or a book translation, I think it's empowering.

Tips to master dressing up during the cold season

Featuring mostly Sessun F/W '12 collection.

Dressing in the winter can be confusing. As for me, sometimes I quickly get dress, go out, do things, catch a glimpse of myself in a window and... scream in horror! Well, okay, I sort of scream inside myself, but... I admit it happens. Most of the time, it's because I chose a total black outfit: black double-breasted coat, black tapered trousers, black oxfords, random bag, grey scarf. I may feel like a French existentialist, or a Rick Owens-Yoji Yamamoto minimalist, but instead I just feel and look... miserable!

I like my coat. It's black, double-breasted, above-the-knee lenght and it has a beautiful collar covered with some leather on the back. I feel good in it. Before buying this coat, I used to be for shorter ones, but let's face it: it's so annoying to have to adjust your outfit depending on the lenght of your coat. You put on a skirt, you like the look, put on your coat to go out and... Help! The coat is shorter than the skirt and the result is... weird. So yes, having an easy-to-match coat to throw over anything is a good start point. When you have this, you can buy any fancy coat you want... And wear them on special occasions, or when you feel like it. It's very difficult not to feel fed up with a patterned coat, if worn every day.

But as I said before, not even the perfect everyday coat alone can be the solution. I found that I feel good if I wear colours. Not necessarily bright colours (I own a red Longchamps bag that I use for uni, and that's it), but any colour: navy, burgundy, beige, jeans... I like the total black, but only if I include interesting fabrics and cuts. I like wearing my black silk sheer shirt with my black trapeze skirt, and I often finish it off with ribbed tights and patent leather shoes.

So, to spice things up, starting from these inspirational pictures I will try to include in my oufits:

• Converse All Star. I used to wear them as a child/girl, but I just bought a navy pair and I'm excited! After years of serious shoes, they're a breath of fresh air, and perfect with cropped jeans. Just don't wear them when it's snowing...
• Patterned pants. I still haven't found the perfect pair, but I love them! When you wear a coat for most part of the day, it's a great idea to focus on the legs. Match them with your shoes and, if you feel audacious, wear crazy printed socks.
• Collars! I know there's a collar craze around, and I'm not totally into it- I don't like them wore on nude skin, and I loathe both the extremely embellished versions and the mormon ones... But a nice collar can really change a dull outfit. Choose a (slightly) studded one, a round one... Or just wear a nice shirt under a sweater or dress. A collar popping out of them adds an interesting touch to your outfit, istantly making it smarter or girlier, depending on its style.
• Nice boots! How can you not have a nice pair of boots in winter? Choose a good pair, and keep it for several seasons. For me, the quintessential boots are brown, under the knee and made of leather, but... just find your pair and fall in love! 
• A nice woolen blazer. When a sweater looks too casual, a blazer will do. You won't need to change yourself head to toe or to wear a pencil skirt... You'll just throw your blazer over your shirt/blouse/pullover and you'll instanly feel smarter.
• Shoes that can be worn when it's raining. I'm thinking of rubber Chelsea boots... Maybe with some (fake) fur inside? So cozy!
• Corduroy pants. They're the epitome of winter. Worn with winter boots during the day and some ankle boots for going out, they're warm, cozy and just look good. Mustard ones go well with a blue jumper, whereas if you wear a burdundy pair (as seen on a lot of people this winter!), choose a light coloured pullover to brighten them up.
• Grey ribbed tights. Burgundy tights. Mustard tights. Navy tights. Polka-dotted tights. Striped ones (vertical ones, please). Even optical ones if you like the Sixties... Play with colours and patterns and have fun while staying warm!

Holiday season...with a Russian twist!

The holiday season is approaching very fast, with its pros and cons. Who am I trying to fool? Where are the cons of staying at home, watching piles of dvds, spending time with your family and eating lots and lots of chocolate? I know, I know. But when it comes to Christmas and New Year's Eve parties, fashion nightmares are always at the door! I shiver at the thought of black, too-tight sequined dresses on every single woman, not to mention the overdone make-up (hi glittery eye-shadow!) and cheap heels with enormous plateaux.
I must confess... I'm not good at dressing myself for the holidays, either. I don't mind spending some money on clothes that I know I'll wear, but when it comes to dresses that I will wear twice a year I say to myself that it's not worth. Last year, in late December, I bought a nice Acne purple dress. I wore it on New Year's Eve, and then never again. Why? I found it very difficult to accessorize it! I always pair it with black garments, and the overall result looks a bit dull and depressive. Maybe I should go for some sparkle... but I'm really not that type of girl!
If you're like me, I swear: we have still chances to dress Christmass-y. Instead of focusing on swarowski and paillettes, go for a velvet dress: it's classy, season appropriate and, if it's red, burgundy or dark green, it screams winter holidays! I saw this Carven dress last week, and I couldn't stop gazing. It's merveilleux. It has a very nice cut, not boring at all, it's made of very soft velvet, the colour is perfect (not the red you are sick of after two days) and the small cut in the middle makes up fot the very tight collar. Since I rarely wear colours, I decided to opt for an unusual choice and paired it with these very fun heels, also by Carven. I love their retro vibe, that ribbon and the fact that, although they haven't a huge platform (thank god there is still someone out there who's not into platforms), they don't look dated at all.
To celebrate my love for Russia and to incorporate an ironic detail, I chose this little gem, a Matrioska clutch by Charlotte Olympia. Isn't it the cutest thing?
To top it off, Gaia Repossi earrings: they're baroque enough for the Russian vibe, and they will draw attention... but you won't sparkle!
Dark red lips, a little bit of golden eyeshadow or eye pencil, old Hollywood curles in your hair (or braids if you like Russian style... I suggest the braided bun, very cute) and ta-daan, the look is done!

Sharing some excitement about a fresh start.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1l4pDXbkic&feature=related

Almost back to the usual rut! Exams are approaching and I must say I'm pretty terrified, but more in a paralyzed way than in a stressful one. Also, my thoughts tend to be mainly about the start of a new academic year and my comeback to Venice, my lovely Venice. Moving has definitely been one of the best decisions of my life, not only because living on my own has given me much more freedom (not only in a concrete way- I also feel lighter, as if I was deprived of a heavy burden), but also because I've been given the privilege to explore and get to know a wonderful place which never ceases to amaze me. So, even though I can't stand the word "study" anymore, I am very excited by the start of the new year! There are some things I'm particularly looking forward to:

-Seeing the friends I made last year and this summer: unlikely last year, when I didn't know a single person, I already have some friends I can talk to and spend time with! Being a freshman is pretty exciting but also a bit scary; this year I'm definitely more confident and less in desperate need of friends, although I'm always happy to meet interesting, like-minded people! I miss my flatmates a lot and I can't wait to laugh again with them (I really think I've never laughed so much with anyone else... They're great, really.). I also miss my classmates, of whom I haven't heard for ages. Can't wait to share with them again interminable walks through Venice inbetween classes!

-Be back in a beautiful place with a great environment. Having the chance to go for a walk for me is amazing, since I don't have it where I usually live: whenever I leave my house on foot I have to bear with chaos, loads and loads of cars going very fast, no sidewalks, pollution and general squalor. When I'm in Venice, whenever I feel like walking I just put my shoes on and ask myself: "Which sestiere (venetian word for neighbourhood) I shall explore today?". I can just bring a book and sit on the edge of a canal... It's a dream.

-Having a routine. As all human beings, I hate having a routine when I have to stick to it but I do long for it when I'm free for too much time. I did have a routine to follow when I was in Moscow, but since I came back from Prague it's been a mess: waking up very late, feeling too lazy to do anything, hating the hot weather... And then realizing I've got exams to pass and I must study, study, study!

-Fall getting closer. I'm one of these people who never understood the charm of summer. I like being on vacation, I like nice weather but I loathe being all sticky and sweaty. I know we should embrace Mother Nature... but I can't deny I prefer lower temperatures, being able to drink tea and wearing some sweater or jacket. Summer is good when you're on vacation, but when you come home, unless you live in a Cohen-esque villa (O.C. reference!), it just sucks.

-New courses to attend! This year I have very interesting ones, such as Czech literature (twice the lessons as last year! I'm really happy, since at a certain point of last year I was so fed up with my other courses that this was the only one that kept me interested and awake. The professor is great, and the whole atmosphere is very stimulating- no people complaining or not caring about the subject, just a little bunch of interested students), Russian literature (we have six, and I repeat, six books to read before the start of the lessons, which will be in february. Help me! Otherwise, I'm pretty excited about eventually studying Anna Karenina, Crime and Punishment, Dead Souls...) and Slavonic Philology: it sounds difficult and hard and it's probably going to be like this, but the professor seems great.

-New opportunities and new ways to spend my spare time! Last year I realized that, even though I have to study a lot, living in the same city of my university provides me a lot of spare time (also because I just have to walk 10-20 minutes to go to lessons- no public transport, baby!- and sometimes I can just wake up forty minutes before the lesson start. Ahh!), so this year I want to use it in a better way. I'd like to find a job, and I also want to exercise e bit- maybe go running, but I'll probably choose yoga or swimming. There is a great swimming pool in Venice and I know swimming it would be really good to my body and mind. Running in Venice, on the contrary, is a very peculiar experience... Also, this year I'd like to get involved in something: being a volunteer or join some associations. Going to the theatre is on my list, too: I've already checked the schedules and I really want to see Macbeth and The Nutcracker.

Ok, so my endless list is over! I haven't mentioned the film festival that takes place in Venice every year and that is going to start in some days: the Festival del Cinema di Venezia. I haven't mentioned it because it's very elitarian and I definitely won't experience it, but I'm still pretty excited about it. Who knows if I will run into some famous director along the calli!

Camilla

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Di nuovo a casa. A volte m'assale la tristezza, ma poi capisco che il mio problema è questo: oscillo tra due opposte visioni della mia vita, senza riuscire a capire se almeno una delle due sia oggettiva. La prima è quella che mi provoca tristezza: mi vedo sola, circondata sì da amici, ma da amici che, per quanto mi vogliano bene, mi considerano sempre la seconda scelta; priva di aspirazioni e di futuro; una delusione per tutti coloro che mi conoscono; non apprezzata, come se non fossi una persona con cui vale la pena approfondire. Insomma, mi vedo come un grosso fallimento con una vita vuota, costretta a rifugiarsi nelle vite (fittizie e non) di altri che invece vivono pienamente, "succhiando il midollo della vita". Poi mi ridimensiono, e mi rendo conto che sì, non avrò una vita frenetica; sì, non avrò un ragazzo; sì, per alcuni amici probabilmente non sono la prima a cui telefonerebbero; ma perchè mi svaluto completamente e mi precludo qualsiasi possibilità? Perchè devo sempre partire dal presupposto che le persone mi troveranno strana, o antipatica, o mediocre? Va bene, forse non sono particolarmente brava a creare legami, ma dovrei accontentarmi di quelli che ho, e soprattutto accettare il fatto che non si può essere Daria e Heather contemporaneamente. Giusto? Ho le stesse possibilità delle altre persone. Devo imparare ad amare me stessa. Suona come una frase che hai sentito mille volte, lo so, ma ci credo fermamente: amare te stessa, poi gli altri. Vorrei andare a dormire e risvegliarmi cresciuta, una donna e non più una bambina. Mi risollevano (nel vero senso della parola: mi innalzano, mi avvicinano al cielo) alcune cose: guardare film ambientati nei college in epoche precedenti (prossimamente St. Trinian's), guardare film e basta, gustarmi un po' di tranquillità, leggere Kundera, rivedere gli amici, crogiolarmi in alcune fantasie, passare del tempo con la famiglia, fantasticare su Mosca, Praga e Budapest... Se non altro, qualcosa in un anno passato fuori casa l'ho imparato: ora se mi rendo conto all'ultimo che indosso una maglia stropicciata non devo tormentare mia mamma, ma riesco a destreggiarmi con il ferro da stiro; non metto più tutto tutto tutto in lavastoviglie; so fare il bucato senza che le mutande diventino fucsia; faccio la spesa con più ratio; so pulire all'incirca qualsiasi cosa (prima riuscivo a pulire il pavimento con il mocio senza strizzarlo...); so affrontare una prova senza stressarmi eccessivamente e con una preparazione adeguata; so cucinare qualcosa in più; so relazionarmi con un professore, dal basso dei miei diciannove quasi venti timidi e insicuri anni; so fare amicizia con meno pregiudizi (ma non sono diventata il dottor Havel, non prendo tutto). Se non son soddisfazioni, queste...